Stepping into motherhood has been a beautiful dance of blessings and sacrifice. The life I knew before having Jackson is gone, never to return. I was told I would regret giving that old life away. That this role of “mother”, the very role God created me for, would crush my dreams and stomp out my ambition.
Yet, I am still me.
The important parts of me that I know the Lord carefully placed into my very soul have not changed. I still love to learn new things and spend time with just God and my journal. I am still just as passionate about sharing the Good News that there is hope in even the most painful situations. I still enjoy cooking and playing my guitar and hiking -though I must admit, I get winded a little quicker now.
To say that since having Jackson my life has been all rainbows and sunshine would be a lie. There are nights when all I can do is silently sob with my crying baby, and beg for a few uninterrupted hours of sleep.
There are days when I have finally managed to put the house back into a decent state, only to turn around and realize someone has tracked mud through the living room and Jackson has had another blowout.
There are moments when fear completely consumes me.
“Am I a good Mom?”
“How can I protect my baby from this world?”
“Will Jackson know and love our Creator?”
“What if I’m doing everything wrong?”
But there are also moments that remind me of the beauty that can only come with being a mother.
It is the smile my sweet baby gives me when he wakes up from his naps. It is the pure excitement Jackson has when his daddy comes home from work. It is watching my preciously plump baby clap his chubby hands together -a new skill he has recently learned.
My days are a smorgasbord of dirty diapers, gummy smiles, spit-up, VeggieTales, and more slobber than I ever thought possible…
And I am grateful.
I am so grateful that I get to sing my baby to sleep every night and then ask him if he missed me while he was dreaming the next morning. I am utterly humbled that God believes I am worthy of such an esteemed role.
I do not miss my old life. If anything, I praise Jesus all the more for giving me something better.